


Just Ask

by mrvdocks



Category: Run (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst and Drama, Domhnall Gleeson - Freeform, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, Ruby might come in or be mentioned later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:21:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23762236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrvdocks/pseuds/mrvdocks
Summary: You didn’t think replying RUN would lead to so much trouble. But here you were, running away with an ex you never really got over and leaving your responsibilities behind.
Relationships: Billy Johnson/OFC, Billy Johnson/Reader
Kudos: 4





	1. RUN

**Author's Note:**

> If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!  
> -  
> C.D.

_You know the feeling when you thought everything was going great and then suddenly your heart drops to your ass and you want the world to swallow you whole?_

That’s exactly how he felt right now. Maybe he had sent _RUN_ at the wrong time. Maybe she wanted to see what he’d made of himself and was disappointed and thought about making a break for it. Seeing her walk-off made his heart ache. Every possible scenario ran through his head and his heart raced faster with each passing second. As he struggled against the handle to the bathroom, his excessive force took the brunt and broke it off. _Fuck._ His breathing becoming heavier, he moved in between cars, trying to breathe in and out at a calm pace. He found he only relaxed a bit when he saw you again, out of breath but there. He missed you, even if for a second.

* * *

Your stupid phone wasn’t working. _Perfect_. You wondered if Billy was serious about his thinking of you causing this whole ordeal. Not that you didn’t want to come or anything but, it had been some time since you two saw each other and the break up had left you so broken-hearted. Moving on was tough, but you tried to. And well, you didn’t think of anything until the damn text took you by surprise in the middle of the night. You booked the next flight out of state and silently cursed at yourself for not thinking of other things. _These could be forgiven_.

As if by some miracle, two bars allowed you to call your mother.

“Hello?” She didn’t sound too alarmed, yet.

“Mom, hey -”

“Where the hell are you? I’ve been worried sick! You just up and leave out of nowhere and leave Charlie with me without so much as a word about what you’re doing!” You grimaced.

“Yes, yeah, I’m sorry. I know I promised to call when I landed but I just got so sidetracked I wasn’t sure where I’d get reception.”

“Where are you?” She inquired again.

“I’m in...” you rubbed at your temple as you tried to remember what stop the operator had said before. “Chicago.”

“Chicago?? What the hell are you doing in Chicago? Who are you with?” You were quick to think on your feet this time.

“I’m helping uh - a friend, um, with some things. Personal things.”

“I don’t like this. You need to come home now.” As your mother ranted about responsibilities and disowning you for other reasons, your eyes darted to the clock above the ticket counter. In big red lights, **11:20**. _Shit_.

“Yeah, uh-huh, so sorry Mom. Listen, I love you and kiss Charlie good night for me, and his food is in the pantry if he gets hungry. I gotta go, I promise I’ll call you soon thank you so much!” Before she could get another word out, you hung up and sprinted back to the train.

You made the mental note of going back to the gym after this was over, or at least some kind of massage therapist or something. You caught the train just as the door was closing and nearly collapsed on the floor as you tried to regain your breath. You raised your head to meet Billy’s red eyes, he’d been crying. Your eyes immediately went from his face to the broken handle in his hand.

“Did you break the handle because you thought I wasn’t coming back?” You frowned.

“No.” He dismissed. “I just figured, they’re all so full of germs it’s better to bring your own.”

The corner of your lips picked up in a half-smile. You shook your head, chuckling. “I see your sense of humor hasn’t changed.”

He gave an annoyed smile back, but deep down he was thankful. Thankful that at least for now you were back for whoever knew how long.

“So...I’m kinda tired of all the running so if you don’t mind I think I’ll go to my - our room.” You corrected. You made a move to pass him but your weak legs gave and you fell onto his lower half, grasping the edges of his hoodie. He caught you halfway, your phone falling along with your bag.

“Sorry.” You muffled out.

“Fuck’s sake. If you wanted to blow me you could’ve just asked. I wouldn’t have said no.”

“Fuck off.” You retorted. Not a bad idea but a terrible setting in public. He bent down to help you gather your things, shaking his head but still laughing at his joke. “Shit, I can’t find my phone.” You checked under the seat behind and beside you.

“I got it.” He noticed it fall beside him and went to reach for it, being met immediately with a photo of you on the lock screen. He would’ve smiled if it was just you but there was someone else; a child. Couldn’t have been more than a year old, chubby cheeks like yours and a gummy smile so big it showed off some teeth coming in. There was that feeling again. The reality hit him, you belonged to someone else. And you had a family with them. With shaky hands, he mustered up the courage to speak.

“Found it.” You breathed a sigh of relief and reached for it, accidentally brushing your hand against his. The act resulting in a tiny spark between the two of you and causing you to recoil in surprise. You looked at him in complete silence, before it was broken by the speaker above calling for you and your guest to head to your roomette.

You smiled innocently at him, “Well come on, I won’t bite. Unless you want me to.” As you walked past him, the feeling only grew deeper and he battled his mind on whether or not to ask questions.

* * *

Walking in and seeing the cute little quaint room you chuckled and made a joke about your old college dorm and the excellent service, but it was all drowned out by him. Closing the door shut and leaning against it, he could only brood.

It only took you a minute to realize his demeanor. “What?” _Shit. Had he changed his mind? Was he backing out?_

His eyes watched you wistfully, your happy face turning into one of concern. “Can we talk?” He said, not looking at you.

“Doesn’t that go against the rules?” When he gave no answer you tried again. “What’s on your mind?”

“Uhh....” he trailed off, eyes not meeting yours.

“Are you backing out?” You asked. Instantly his head came up, “No! No. I just - things really have changed.” He laughed nervously.

“Yeah,” you chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t really, uh, do these kinds of things.”

“I’m sure you don’t.” You eyed him suspiciously. “Okay. Does it....bother you?”

He nodded sadly. You nodded back and sighed, suddenly more self-conscious about yourself. You knew you looked the same sans baby weight but you didn’t think it was that bad. At least it gave you some boobs.

Clearing your throat you made an attempt to explain, “I’ve been exercising a lot, and I’m trying to eat a bit better. I do cheat a little I’m not gonna lie but it’s just really hard.”

“Oh! No!” He suddenly realized what you thought he targeted. “No, I didn’t mean that at all. You’re lovely! You’re very very beautiful.”

You blushed at his error and waved your hands so as to signal it was alright. “It’s okay it’s okay.” You laughed. “If I was spending the night with someone I think I’d also be a little self-conscious about something too.”

Billy moved towards you, essentially trapping you between him and the small corner of the roomette. You were at the mercy of this tall, awkward man you still had some feelings for. “You have a very nice body, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it.”

His tone was warm and inviting and turned your legs into jelly immediately. You could only look up at him, his eyes filled with something you’d only seen in movies. It was now or never. You leaned up, capturing his lips with yours painfully slow. Everything in you was screaming. A touch from him would’ve been enough to undo you. One arm was above you, resting on the wall and keeping you pinned against the window, the other rubbed back and forth against your hips. Your hands came up to grip his hoodie, pulling him closer and allowing you to kiss him deeper. His lips were soft and only came up for breath when you began to kiss down from his jaw to his neck. You kicked off your shoes, letting him do the same. Moving towards the small bed without letting go of his hoodie, you let him set you down slowly as he worked on the button of his jeans. You rapidly made work of yours, kicking it away. Climbing back up to you, his hands were quick on your blouse and discarded it behind him. You let him come in between your legs, feeling the heat only increase as you felt him against your thigh. You were eager and tried to remove his briefs, wanting that skin on skin contact more each second. He stopped you, planting wet kisses from your jaw down to your stomach. It was a sensitive part of you, and he noticed. The scar from what almost definitely was a c - section lingered. He paused for a moment, the thought coming back to resurface at the worst time possible. You noticed his hesitation and sat up on your elbows.

“What’s wrong?”

“Is there something you want to say to me?”

“Is there.....” you repeated the question, trying to understand what he meant. It dawned on you what he’d seen.

“I didn’t want to tell you.” You laid back down, blankly staring at the ceiling of the train. You could tell he was looking at you from the corner of your eye but you didn’t want to face him. Didn’t want to admit you moved on and done something with your life other than wait. He sat folded, still facing you but very much not speaking. “I didn’t - I didn’t think you’d care.”

“I wouldn’t care? You never told me.”

“I don’t get why you’re so worked up about it! I’m not even with.....his dad walked out on us before he was even born.” Your eyes came to cover your face. “God I’m so pathetic. You must think I’m so pathetic.”

“No," he sighed. "I don’t.”

“Look at me. I mean what the hell am I doing? I fucked up.”

You lifted yourself again, moving your legs away from his torso and bringing them round to the edge of the bed. “I just left him! And now I’m here explaining myself to you, half-naked, on a train to who knows where, Jesus Christ!” You cried out.

You reached for your things in the pool of clothes and started dressing. He called your name and you stopped.

“Are you happy? Is that what you wanted to hear?” You said, the words spewing like venom but you didn’t mean for them to sound the way they did.

“Are **you** happy?” He retorted. In his head the alarms blared telling him to shut up, to not say anything else, lest he guaranteed a slap to the face. 

"Real fucking classy, Billy."

He scoffed, "Yeah you'd know huh?"

You stared at him mouth agape, slowly trying to process what just happened. 

“I’m sorry. Maybe we just need to get some rest and we can just forget this ever happened in the morning.” He wore a remorseful expression and stood to calm you down. You laughed bitterly, pulling on the last article of clothing.

”Oh my god, that’s such a great idea. And then maybe we can also just fuck each other’s brains out in different states and call it a day so I can go back to my life and not think about you ever again!” It was a hit to his soul and your pride. _Who did he think he was?_

“Where are you going?” He wasn’t sure where you’d go on a moving train but if the bar you’d passed earlier was any indication, then he knew.

“Somewhere you aren’t.”

With that, you slammed the sliding door shut and fucked off to the bar. He cursed under his breath and kicked the bed. He’d give you time to calm down, but also he’d use that time to come up with what to do when you’d come back. 


	2. Ugly Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Billy make up and chaos and adventures ensue.

“What an asshole,” you mutter, walking right to the bar. “I shouldn’t have come, I’m such an idiot.” 

You don’t know what you’re going to do, you just know you need something to be able to tolerate him if and when you go back. 

After downing multiple shots, you trudged down the hall, trying to walk as best you could back to the roomette. If liquid courage could help you at any time, it had to be this one. You were planning what you’d say to him, making up a conversation in your head and giving yourself the best arguments and points and ending with him begging for forgiveness, and then maybe, just maybe, you could actually get the ball rolling on the friction you’d been feeling. You smile to yourself, eager to battle it out, and make the leap to open the door. Your smile drops. 

He sits there, knees to chest, just staring at the wall. Unconsciously chewing on his lip, just like the good ol’ days. When he notices you, he stops and speaks up. “Hey.” 

You sigh, clearly exhausted. You open your mouth to hurl at least an insult or something to make him know you’re still game to argue. When nothing comes out, you abandon all anger and move to sit next to him. 

Shoulder to shoulder, you still can’t bring yourself to look at him. Not directly at least. 

“What are we doing, Billy?” 

You feel like you’re back in college, in the aftermath of hashing it out and taking a breather over something stupid that doesn’t matter. It seemed so simple then, and here you two were now. Avoiding things and people, and you were adding more wood into the fire you haphazardly helped to start.

“I dunno,” He whispers. “Just….thinking.”

There was something he wasn’t saying. It wasn’t fair that only your secrets came to light tonight. You needed to even the score. “Why’d you send RUN?” 

“Why did you?” He counters.

“I asked first.”

He chuckled to himself. “To be quite honest, I was….blithering drunk and lonely.” 

Your brows perked up. “So you made me drop everything I care about because you got drunk?” 

You weren’t too mad, the liquor had made sure to placate you. You just felt a tinge of annoyance at him. Nonetheless, his recklessness struck a chord in you. It was a tango, it took two, and it only took two seconds for you to ruin your life for him. 

“Why did you?” He asked, this time turning his head to meet yours. 

You buried your face in your hands, groaning. “I have no idea.”

You do have some idea. You can’t remember a time of normalcy. The domestic life was constraining at times. Not that you didn’t love your son, but you missed certain things before him. How ironic, here you were with an ex and missing your son, yet when you were with Charlie, all you did was miss Billy. You imagined a different path, a dream, maybe Billy could’ve been Charlie’s father and not - you shook your head. 

“What?” Billy’s voice brought you back to reality. 

“Where the hell were you?” Your voice quivered.

His brows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Why now? Why so late?” 

His face fell, some understanding showing. 

“I needed you, a long time ago,” Your voice began to crack. “I was doing fine without you! I had you out of my system, I was getting over you.” 

_ Then I saw your face, and now I can’t erase 15 years' worth of yearning for you. _

Somewhat of a lie, but you didn’t think you should be unloading almost every painful feeling of longing you had for him. He just listened intently, knowing that every word that came from you was a huge hit to your pride.

“I’m sorry. Look, I wish I could give you some sort of explanation that isn’t half-assed but there isn’t. I’m just a screw-up.”  _ And maybe I just missed you, a lot. _

You laughed bitterly, half-assed was right. 

“What do you see when you look at me, Billy? Am I a screw up to you too?” 

“No!” He places his hands on your shoulders, gentle with you. “We all fuck up. It’s been 15 years, something’s bound to change. No one seems to have it all together.”

With a pitiful scoff, you can’t help but feel seen. To feel like he knows how to ‘fake it till you make it’. And boy, does he know. But he won’t tell you this, yet.

Your head lulls down but he places his finger under your chin, forcing you to look at him. You’re emotionally bare in front of him, and he knows it won’t be long till he’s in your position. But it can wait. 

“I like you, still. Maybe even more. You’re sexier, you don’t take my shit or probably anyone’s, you’re probably kicking my ass - career-wise I think.” 

You give him an easy smile, the corners of your eyes wet for a moment before he wipes it away. 

“Shut up.” 

“I’m serious,” He laughs. “I think I might be the worst bastard in history.” 

“Maybe not the worst.” 

He feigns shock but nonetheless sees that you’re feeling better. Unless the front you were putting was more convincing than his ever was.

“Give me one day.” He pleads. 

“One day?”

“One day. We can do whatever you want and if you love it then we keep this train going and see where this leads us, or at the end of the day if you still feel homesick, we can go our separate ways.” 

_ I’ll let you go.  _ He almost said. He just got you back, and he would be damned if he was going to let you go without a fight or at least a proper vacation. How selfish of him, but sometimes you had to be. 

“I…..okay.” 

He smiled from ear to ear, internally sighing in relief. “Great! I think this calls for a celebratory nap,” He checks his phone, it’s two am. “We’ve got a solid five hours and then the fun begins.”

* * *

Stepping out into the cool breeze of Chicago, you feel a little bit more optimistic about your relationship with Billy. Home was on the back burner for now, today was about you and your needs. 

You stared at the train ticket, eyes flying everywhere trying to figure out what time the next train would come. Got to time that goodbye, maybe. 

“Maybe it’s just me and the lack of sleep but I can’t find the next train time.” 

“I can check.” He offers, suddenly distracted by the phone ringing. He seems anxious based on whatever he just received but puts up a calm front. “Be back in a bit.” With that, he walks back into the station.

You watch people walking, cars pass and get lost in the city soundscape. A woman passes you and hands you a brochure. The Cloud Gate at Millennium Park. It seemed interesting enough.

“Twenty-four hours till the next train, everything’s going according to plan.” His voice comes from behind, prompting you to turn and see his warm smile. 

“Great.” You feign excitement. “Except, where will we sleep?” 

“That, my dear, can be solved with a hotel room.”

The thought of you two in a hotel room made your mind reel. Not in a bad way of course, but well at least the room would be an upgrade from the tiny roomette. Who knows, the day is still young and maybe your horny prayers would be answered this time.

“Let’s get one now.” You were almost too eager as you took him by the hand and were on your merry way to finding a hotel. He wasn’t complaining. 

“Someone’s excited.” 

“Is it such a crime to want to fuck someone after being blue balled for twenty-four hours?” 

“You know you can’t undo this.”   
  


“Well, I don’t want to unfuck you. Do you?”

“No, ma’am.” 

* * *

“That poor girl.” You said in a half horrified and half-embarrassed tone.

“What?” Billy asked as if he didn’t just have his hands all over your ass in the lobby. You were thankful you remembered to wear something underneath the skirt you had, afraid that the lobby cameras and some schmuck would’ve had tickets to a free peep show. 

“I don’t know whether to smack you or berate you.” You whispered. 

“You could fuck me.” The bastard smiled smugly. 

You laughed nervously, ashamed to meet the passing eyes of people outside the hotel who’d heard that. “Very fucking funny.” 

His shoulders shook as he laughed, content with himself. 

“Okay, can we focus on the fact that that room was worth my rent and then some? Where the hell are we going to get all that money?” 

“I’ll take care of that.” He said.

Within minutes, he was able to walk into a bank and you stood outside taking in your surroundings. Your eyes trailed off looking everywhere, trying to find something to pass the time. Your eyes landed on an ice cream cart not too far away and as if on cue, your stomach grumbled. 

You placed a hand on top of your stomach. “Forgive me.” 

You nabbed two cones, immediately devouring one and holding onto the other for Billy. When he came out, you gave him his quickly, afraid that you’d eat more than you’d like to. You raised your brows as if to ask if he’d gotten the money. 

“It’s going to take a couple of hours.” 

You hummed in response.

“Up for some sightseeing?” He asked. You nodded through a mouthful of ice cream and passed him the brochure. 

* * *

The walk was long but you didn’t mind. It was a clear day, sun shining on the water and the chatter of people made you feel like you were in some cheesy rom-com with the love of your life without a care in the world. If only it were that easy. 

“What do you think it means?” Billy asks, looking up at the reflective silver bean. 

You mess with your reflection, pulling funny faces and taking some snapshots of it. 

“That you definitely need more iron in you.” 

He scrunches his face.

“How pretentious we must be. We’re analyzing a giant bean.” 

“Oh yes, 19 year old you must be so proud.” You quip, knowing he was the exact opposite of a valedictorian.

“Mmm no, that was more your expertise. Museum dates, staying in the library till they closed, making me study my arse off.”

“And now look at me. Totally living the life.” You couldn’t help but take a shot at yourself. Yes, you were smart, but what good had it done for you? Still a hopeless romantic.

“Don’t do that.” 

“Do what?” 

“Shit on yourself like that. You turned out way better than I did, I guess you leaving me was the right choice.” 

“I didn’t leave, you did.” 

“And what a screw up it was, hm?” He knows, _no_ _he_ _**admits**_ , what a gargantuan screw up it was. “I always thought, now I can’t slow you down. She must be out there with an amazing career after all the shit I’ve put her through, and you do.” 

“I lied.”    
  


“What?”

“I’m not a nurse,” _You’re word vomiting now._ “Fuck’s sake I can’t even look at blood without fainting. I failed the program. I decided to choose something my mom didn’t lead me towards so I became a teacher and a…..failed writer.”

He nods and swallows.

“And then I met him. And I thought, maybe this is the right one. Maybe this time I could move on. He gave me the attention I thought I wanted. He gave me everything. But then I’d see you everywhere and I just couldn’t do it yet.”

“You still see him?” 

You shake your head. “Fucker moved to a different state by the time I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t want him to come back but I also didn’t want to be lonely. So I kept Charlie.” 

“I know.” 

You smile thinking of your son. “He absolutely hates it when I sing. He loves to just throw a stuffed animal at me anytime I’m close to even thinking of singing.”

“You’re kidding.” 

“Okay, well it’s a lot funnier than it seems.”

“I mean, you are kind of a bad singer.” 

You punch his arm playfully. He yelps.

“No, I’m not!”

“I remember you trying to sing that god awful pop song in the shower every time and I’d always have to come in to shut you up.”

“You’re just jealous of my voice.”

  
“I bet the animals are too.” He chuckles. He yelps again as you punch his arm. 

His phone dings in his pocket again, but you don’t notice him go into anxious mode again. Your eyes are admiring the architecture around you. He slips it back in and you turn your attention to him again. 

“We should go shopping.”

You raise a brow. “Since when do you shop for yourself?” You tug at his hoodie.

“Come on, you don’t want to feel the richest you’ve ever been in some fancy new clothes in a hotel room in Chicago?”

You hum. “I guess I’m overdue for some things.” Your blouse and skirt combo aren’t exactly feeling too fresh anymore and you think of the pretty lace sets you could find for tonight.

“What kinds of things?” He gives you a once over, practically undressing you with his eyes.

“I guess you’ll find out.”

"Tease."

* * *

You’ve never set foot in a store this fancy. You don’t see yourself as living this luxury. But a beautiful lavender dress blesses your eyes and you can’t help but take curious strides to it. The material basically melts in your hand, soft and silky. 

“This is nice.”

“Very nice.” 

You check the tag on the arm sleeve and recoil. “Eh, not that nice.”

“Buy it! It’ll look great on you.”

“That’s like $700, do you know what I can buy with $700?” 

“It’s a special night. We’re traveling, we’re together. Can you honestly not say you’re dreaming of something like this?” 

“If I told you I had used my savings for this trip, would you forgive me?” You winced, traveling was not cheap nor was it forgiving to your bank account. 

“Here, take this.” He says, pulling out a wad of bills from his pocket like nothing. _You feel like you’re asking your sugar daddy to fund your next shopping trip._

“I - I can’t take this.” 

“Shh. Buy yourself something nice. Ok, that sounded wrong but it’s true.”

“Billy.”

“Think of it as a gift.” 

You nod and thank him. 

“Alright, I’ll see you back at the hotel in an hour. Have fun.” With that, he runs off and you turn back to your options. This was going to be a long hour.


	3. Say Something Loving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet someone new and Billy opens up.

If you thought fitting into a dress was going to be a piece of cake, then this dress was the fucking creme de la creme because you just couldn’t get it off. You panicked every second you heard the seam ripping and thought it couldn’t get worse until you fell smack on your back outside of the dressing room. 

“Oh let me help you!” A female voice said. You immediately felt soft hands gently try to lift the material.

“Please!” 

“Let me, don’t worry. Move your arm.” 

The sudden breeze of air on your chest alarmed you. “Oh god I am so sorry, I didn't mean to flash you.”

“No worries, they’re a lovely pair.” 

After feeling less mortified and not smothered by a dress, you thanked your savior. A pretty British woman named Alice offered you the dress in her dressing room, which you took ashamedly. 

“Oh, wow! This is really nice.” You spun in the dress, admiring how it somehow didn’t make you feel so self-conscious. 

“I don’t get why anyone would pay this much for something like this.” You said, eyes wide as you see the tag. 

“Exactly, which is why we have,” she bends to get something out of your vision but you feel something being tugged off the dress. She’s just taken off the security magnet. “This.”

“Whoa! Um, is this legal?” 

“Shhh, go get dressed.” She whispers, pushing you back into the dressing room.

You made a mental note to pray for forgiveness later but this little number definitely would’ve bankrupted you. You ended up stealing the same set you'd had your eyes on earlier and running out the store hand in hand with your new friend, before breaking down near an alley.

You were breathing heavy, which was no surprised considering you’d just run blocks upon blocks. 

“Oh boy, you okay?” Alice asked.

Clearly hyperventilating, you shook your head. 

“I just stole clothes worth more than my studio apartment! I stole a dress! I stole lingerie!”

“Yeah!” She smiled, trying to lighten you up.

“I don’t do this! I would never do this! Oh, my stomach hurts.”

“Hey, hey calm down. It’s okay.”

“No, no, I left him. Oh my god, he will never forgive me. I just left him.”

“What?” 

“My son! I just left him like I was abandoning a puppy. Now I’m here shacking up with an ex I haven’t seen in forever just because I didn’t want to be lonely. Oh, I’m a terrible person.” You buried your face in your hands, the feeling to cry overwhelmed you.

“Hey, no, no it’s alright. If it’s weighing on you this much, why not go home?”

“No, I - he asked for the day. I have a day to decide.” 

“Oh honey, if it’s just for a day then go wild! Do it!”

“I should?” 

“Yeah!” 

You laughed nervously to yourself, feeling your hands still shaking. 

You ran up to the hotel room, giddy but still freaked about your stealing spiel. Billy met you there before, being almost as handsy as you wanted him to be back at the train. You let him down easy, telling him to save it for later that night. You were going to have a nice bath before you did anything else. When he went to go ‘take care of some business’, you raced into the bath and felt so much better. 

The closest thing this reminded you of was the aftercare that came after sex with Billy. He was sweet yeah, tad bit awkward and dorky but he knew what you really liked. You felt goosebumps just thinking of the way his nimble fingers worked on you, the way his arms held you in place in the water, his cheeky but funny little quips ruining the moment. It felt good but it also felt….weird. 

You couldn’t remember when you took a moment just for yourself, much less some much-needed self-care. If tonight really was the night of no consequences you figured you might as well get more bang for your buck. Maybe a little too literally.

You made your way back to the bedroom to get dressed when your feet kicked the duffle Billy brought. 

“Ow!” You grimaced. “What the fuck’s in here, rocks?”

Unzipping the bag, you were met with a lot of green. Your eyes went wide. _Was he a drug dealer? Did you really not know him so well after all? Was he going to hold you hostage and ask your family for money? He was a big shot, why would he need more money? The possibilities were endless._

You dumped the money on the bed, filling it up until every inch of the bed was decorated with bills. _Now, who was keeping secrets?_

You heard footsteps coming towards the room so you armed yourself with a wad of bills in case of an emergency. Billy’s shape came into view as he closed the door.

“Oh.” Was the only thing he said. His movements were awkward, clearly, you weren't meant to have found this.

“Oh? You want to explain all this?” You gestured to the mountain of cash. 

“Do you trust me?” 

“Don’t turn this around, are you the one keeping secrets now?” 

“I - ”

“Do you even really want to be with me or is this about something else?”

“Listen -”

“I have been honest with you.”

“Is anyone...totally honest?” He tries to smile, but it doesn’t get him very far. He forgets how scary you can be mad. 

“Is this a game, Billy?” 

“N..No, there is no game.” He takes short strides towards you, and without a second thought, you move backward. The closer he comes, the farther away you move from him on the bed.

He stops at the end of the bed, your action striking a chord in him. He shakes his head.

“Ask me anything. I’ll tell you the truth.” 

“Are you...in trouble?”

“Yeah.”

_Fuck._ “Did you...steal someone’s fortune?”

“It’s my money.”

“Well see, most people don’t carry bags filled with money. Especially this,” you raked your hands through the mountain. “Much.”

“I know. But I made a huge mistake, so..” He makes a pass for your ankle but you’re still cautious. 

Defeated, he grabs the champagne bottle on the table and pops it open. Instead of pouring some into the glasses, he drinks straight from the bottle. 

“I have this money because I fucked up in my job. Some people are very mad at me, and so I’m taking my money because I can’t ever go back. Everyone knows I’m full of shit, and now I don’t know what to do.”

“What did you do?”

“I killed someone.”

You feel your stomach plummet. 

“No, I didn’t. I mean I did, in a way. I convinced this guy at one of my shows to...come off his meds.”

“You what?!”

“Not literally. You know, in a metaphorical sense. I didn’t mean for him to,” he sighed. “I’m just as guilty as if I’d killed him myself. Now you know I’m a fucking fraud and a - “

“Pariah.” You finished. 

“I was going to say laughing stock but pariah… just hits it right on the nail, doesn’t it?” 

He downs the bottle and lets it drop to the ground when empty. He knew this moment would come. He’s just as bare as you were before, and he hates it. He hates feeling seen. He hates the truth. But if you were going to stay with him somehow, you couldn’t find out about this any other way. 

He looks at you, eyes soft and desperate. He takes one more step towards you. You don’t move. 

“If you...want to go home. I understand. But I’ll tell you one thing, absolutely honestly. I really _don’t_ want you to.” 

“Billy,” you start, seeing his face is racked with guilt. 

“You’ve changed your mind then.”

“ **No** , no,” You crawled towards him, your voice a bit pitched.

_ Anyone sane would not still be here. But you weren’t anyone. And you knew if you left now, you’d regret it.  _

He gets down on both knees, hands coming to hold yours. He rubs your knuckles with his thumbs softly, eyes still searching for some sort of indication of what you’d do in yours. 

“C’mon.” You whisper. Taking his face in your hands, you give him the redemption he asks of you with your lips. His lips are rough but warm, you can faintly taste the champagne. 

You sigh into him, letting your hands fall to grip his shirt. You want him whole, want to feel so close to him. You crave skin to skin contact. 

He makes quick work on the buttons on his shirt, helping you to slip it off and discard it on the floor. You’re still in the robe but at this point, you couldn’t care less about feeling sexy in some pieces of lingerie. Letting it fall from your shoulders, he moves to from your jaw to kiss down your neck and lick at it. You can’t help but let a moan escape, his tongue is warm and it only makes your core feel hotter and tighter. 

Fuck it, you think and press your hands firmly against his chest to turn him over so he’s laying down and you’re on top. The room is silent except for the heavy breathing and the sound of his belt buckle coming undone. You straddle him, already feeling how hard he is, rushing to unzip him. He lifts his hips just enough to let you shrug his trousers off. He slips off everything else, his right arm coming to snake around your waist and move you with him to the top of the bed. 

You steady yourself on the headboard bar, not realizing you’re holding your breath until he speaks. “We don’t have to -”

You shush him, your own hand coming to snake down between your bodies and line him up at your center. He’s stiff and wet, you circle your thumb over his sensitive tip wiping at the pre-cum, earning a gasp from him. You bite down on your bottom lip, sinking onto him and letting out a sharp inhale. He watches you, both in awe and in cautiousness. You guide his hands to your breasts, keeping your own hands planted firmly on his chest. He gives soft and tender squeezes, fingers rolling your nipples in circles. 

You bite the bullet and move your hips agonizingly slow, letting out a soft cry. His hands come down to your hips, keeping you in place and waiting until you give him a nod to continue. 

He moves your hips in different directions, finding that forward and backward motions left you clawing at his skin. His fingers come to your lips, rubbing the sweet sensitive pearl in between your legs and eliciting wanton moans. He smirked to himself. Your bodies were on fire, hungry for the other. Needy and desperate to stoke the fire that only burned brighter with each touch. 

Billy lets you bounce on him, raunchy mewls spilling from your lips like a pornstar. You almost forgot you were in a hotel. He was hitting every spot you had, each time more intense, more euphoric. 

“God, you’re sexy.” You overheard him whisper. 

He hit you deeper and harder, every stroke leaving him more breathless and happier than anything else in the world. He closes his eyes and within a second, you’re the one laying under him, pushing your hips up to fulfill the fervid craving of him inside you. 

You wrap your legs around his skinny waist, pressing the soles of your feet against his bum, trying to cram more of him in you. Your hands tug on his hair roughly, leaving him groaning against your shoulder. Each desperate and needy thrust is more demanding and pleasurable than the other. You bite lightly at his ear, a deep growl from the back of his throat rumbles almost leaving you speechless. 

He was in and out so fast, so quick, stroke after stroke leaving you to hug his body tighter with a mixture of gasps and whines and heavy breaths from his part. You took advantage of his closeness, getting close enough to his ear for him to surely hear you clearly.

“I love you.” You whispered. 

You felt him twitch inside you, his thrusts becoming less erratic. Your back arched as you finally hit your high, your nails digging into his pale hot and sweaty skin. Two more thrusts from him and he bit down on your arm, emptying himself and groaning in sweet release. 

Everything calmed and Billy lifted his body from yours, his hands coming to frame your face. “I love you too.” Billy smiles, kissing you gently. 

You two held each other, blissfully unaware that in the far corner of the hotel room, the cell phone had finished its recording and slipped back into the hands of someone that would definitely ruin your plans later. 


	4. Capsize

You didn’t realize you were still sleeping when you felt the sun beat down on your face, warming you and highlighting both yours and Billy’s bodies. Your eyes fluttered open, suddenly aware of your surroundings. You shot Billy a side glance, stretching and yawning. He was still asleep, looking peaceful as ever. You smiled to yourself, your fingers dance upon his delicate skin, ginger stubble shining in the sunlight. It’d been 17 years since you’d been able to be in this same position and you missed it dearly. You missed having the butterflies in the pit of your stomach go crazy when he would look at you with those beautiful eyes of his. To feel his skin against yours, the intimacy you two shared when it wasn’t sexual was to die for. Eventually, your fingers traced figures into his skin until you landed on his wrist. Out of curiosity, you’d lifted his watch to see the time. 10:28 AM. 

“Fuck!” You yelled, waking him up instantly.

Half asleep and groggy, he raced against the clock to gather his things and tried to walk behind you, trying to meet your panicked and frantic state. You threw your things into the first cab that would take you two and pulled him in as soon as you were done. 

He laid on your shoulder as best he could, eyes still droopy. “Last night….was -” 

“Great.” You said quickly, cheeks flaring. _Did you really have to have this conversation in front of somebody else? You felt like you were having the sex talk with your mom._

“Yeah, great.” He said, quickly sitting up. “I mean I - I can do better.” 

Your brows raised. “Oh?”

“I mean you kind of caught me off guard there.” 

You scrunch your face, amused. “I mean I’d like to think I gave you plenty of chances to do something else.” You nudge his arm. 

“No I mean, I just don’t remember it being….”

You felt the blood come rushing to your cheeks again. “Yeah, I picked up a few things. You know, after we broke up.” 

His sleepy eyes widened suddenly, “That explains a lot.” 

“What?” 

“Oh god, not like that. I - um - fecking hell.” He stammered. It was kind of funny to you to see him squirm like this. You hadn’t gotten him this nervous since he’d seen you. 

“Can we hurry this up?” He awkwardly said to the driver. You chuckled to yourself. 

You took in the last sight of the city before thinking back to what was waiting for you at home. 

* * *

"You okay?” Billy’s voice brought you out of your trance. You narrowed your eyes onto the fields of green outside your roomette window. How nice it must feel, to be so free and without worries. You don’t remember what that’s like.

You hum in response. “Peachy.”

You feel your phone buzz from your back pocket and tense up. Billy’s face follows yours, eyes searching your face for any sign of worry. “You gonna get that?” He asks.

You shake your head. You don’t tell him you’re afraid of what it might say. Or who’s behind the text. You bite your lip, feeling the unshakeable fear of the unknown eat at you. The phone buzzes again and this time you jolt up. He scampers for his phone, “It’s mine. Sorry.” 

You sigh in some relief and focus on the outside again. “Everything okay?” It’s your turn to be concerned. You make a move to turn to see what he’s doing but he stops you first, pinning you down onto the cramped roomette bed and kissing you deeply. When you both come up for air he’s the first to speak. “I’m a complete dick, right?” 

“Well,” you say as a matter of factly. 

He sighs. “I know. I’m sorry.” 

“You can say sorry again in other ways.” You smile. He chuckles to himself. 

He lifts one of your legs up onto his torso, diving back in for another kiss. Your hand comes up to grab tufts of hair, the other caressing his face. Your pelvis pushes up against the front of his jeans, feeling him becoming hard almost immediately. You bite at his lower lip, earning a groan from him. His tongue darted to yours then your lips, you reveled in the thought of him working his tongue on you. If he said he could do better, maybe he should.

Frustrated, you guide his hand down and into your jeans, your breathing becoming heavier when his fingers ghost over your very sensitive area. He breaks the kiss to look at you, almost hungrily. He makes his way down, kissing down your body until he reaches your abdomen. Before he can pry the buttons off, the phone buzzes again. You mentally curse at yourself for not turning your phone off, but he reveals it’s his. 

“Who’s even texting you at this time?” Your breathless voice hints annoyed and now you sit up on the bed watching him. He looks at the phone and then you. 

You shrug and turn away. “Maybe whoever’s texting you can give you a good handy or something.” 

He _tsks_. You ignore it and leave the roomette, letting him have time with whoever he apparently deemed worthier of his time. 

“Are you following me?” A voice came from behind you, and it doesn’t even register that you’re walking about the aisles of the train. 

“Alice?” You don’t mean to sound so surprised but it comes out so shrill. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh just, going to meet someone I met on eHarmony.”

“Oh…oh.” You wince. She laughs dismissing the thought. 

“Hey, while you’re here, you wanna get a cup of coffee or something? My treat.” 

You nod.

After getting the worst cups of coffee in the world, you two sit and contemplate.

“Can I be very honest with you?” She asks.

You nod. “I think this whole thing you’re doing, is amazing. You chose yourself over everyone else! It’s not always you get to be a little selfish and put your needs first.”

You scowl. “If I did the right thing, then why do I feel so bad?”

“Don’t let people make you think that. Don’t let it rule your head.” 

You nod.

“Do you have any plans after the train?” 

You fiddle with your earring in thought. “I don’t know yet. Anything outside of Billy just seems empty. It’s so weird, I have no idea what he’s thinking.”

Pause.

“You think he’s a good man?” She asks, carefully studying you.

You shrug and look away, now fiddling with the frayed ends of your sweater. “I think he tries to be. Isn’t that the point? Everyone’s just trying to make do with what they’ve got?” 

She smiles understandingly, “So what’s the old ball and chain up to now?” 

You chuckle to yourself. “It’s so weird, he has this like a huge bag of money. I’m not sure if maybe that’s what we’re using to get around.”

“What?” Alice asked almost in disbelief. 

“Yeah! Weird, right?”

“What is he, a drug dealer?”

You snort. “I don’t know, a guy like him? He probably needs it to get away from his fans or something.”

Alice narrows her eyes at this. “Stalker maybe? What a weirdo.” 

You laugh in unison, feeling an awkward pause come in. “I should probably go find him. See what he’s up to.”

Alice nods, and bids you farewell. 

Meanwhile, Billy was about to just have a fecking heart attack. Every buzz from his phone only added more to his anxiety and he didn’t like feeling like that around you. His neuroticism would say otherwise. 

Fiona’s last text had sent him into a spiral and now he felt like he was about to shit himself. If she was here, she couldn’t get to you. No way in fecking hell. 

You weren’t sure if seeing the red missed calls were supposed to make you feel shittier about your situation, but they sure weren’t helping your case. Sighing and closing your eyes, you pressed the red letters and abandoned all hope. When you were met with dial tones, you huffed and walked back to the aisles, seeing Billy already there. 

“Hey.” He said, trying to push the bag over to where you were going to sit. 

“Hey.” You said, not sure how to feel towards him right now.

“You feeling better?” He asked, stuffing the bag into your side as you sat down. 

You cock your head to the side. “What are you doing with all this money?” 

His brows raised in confusion. “It’s just for safekeeping.” 

“From Jackie and the hoard?”

“Something like that.”

“Alice said something about that, maybe you have stalkers.” 

_ Oh, you had no idea.  _

“Who’s Alice?” 

“My friend from Chicago.”

“Look at you! Making friends.” 

You roll your eyes. “Okay, she helped me steal some of the things for that night but point is, she’s here! On the train!”

While you were completely oblivious, he was shitting bricks. 

“What does she look like?”

“Short, really pretty, dark hair.”

He nods, smile fading. 

“What? Oh, shit do you think maybe she’s your stalker?”

He stands, hands reaching for the duffle when you hear Alice’s voice greet you both.

“So you’re the infamous Billy Johnson. Heard a lot about you.” Fiona’s eyes burn holes into Billy, and you’re just around the bend. You do notice the shake in his voice as he looks up at her and tries to greet her without fault in his demeanor. 

“Is this weird? I didn’t mean to make it awkward.” She laughs, but Billy knows a fake semi detrimental laugh when he hears it.

“No!” You protest.

“She’s just worried you’re a stalker or something of mine.”

“Billy.” You throw a look at him. 

“Oh no! We just keep bumping into each other, what a coincidence, right?” 

Billy glares at Fiona, but you don’t notice yet.

“What are you doing on this train, Alice?”

“Just headed to California.”

“Yeah, she’s meeting a lumberjack.” You finish for her.

Fiona’s eyes bounce from you to him. “He’s taking me to Disneyland. You ever been? It’s lovely, you should take your so-some friends or family someday.” 

Fiona saves herself from possibly revealing your son, oblivious that he knows. 

You chuckle nervously, side glancing Billy. “Or you two should go together! Can’t imagine this one would want to wait in lines, must have lots of people come up to him.” 

Your phone buzzes, and you take a peek being met with a photo of your son. In the hospital. 

_ What the fuck. _

Your eyes meet Billy’s, tears brimming in your eyes. “I’m sorry, I have to take this.” 

His hand grabs onto yours for a second, he squeezes it in reassurance before letting you go.

You rush into your roomette, whispering curses under your breath. The line ringing only makes you wanna vomit. 

“Hello?” Your mother’s voice springs you to life.

“What happened? Please tell me he’s okay. What’s going on?” 

“Look who wants to know, Parent of the Year.”

“Mom,” your voice is shaky. “Please.”

She sighs. “He just had a little fever. He was up all night, and he couldn’t breathe but I just got out of the ER and they’re saying he should be fine. They want to keep him for observation.” 

You run a hand through your hair, sighing in relief.

“Listen, he needs you. He needs his mother, not his grandmother. He’s right on the cusp of that age where he’s going to be attached at the hip of whoever’s giving him attention.”

“I know.” You hang your head in shame, wiping away at the tears. 

* * *

“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing at, but you stay away from her,” Billy warns.

Fiona cocks her head. “Oh Billy, as soon as I saw you with her, I knew what you were doing. “RUN”? I can’t wait to read how this all ends.”

Billy’s head drops. “This is different. I lik- I love her. I want to be with her.” 

Fiona pouts. “She’s just a phase. This is a huge deal for her, you know? She’s a lovesick puppy but once you get her out of your system, she’ll be fucked.”

Billy shakes his head vigorously. “I won’t. That’s not happening.”

“Does she know?”

“Stop fucking with my head. I’m not coming back, I don’t care about you.”

She smirks. 

“Oh...she doesn’t.” She taunts. “What do you think she’d say about this little video?”

Fiona pulls out her phone, a pre-recorded Billy talks about his ‘RUN’ plan. Billy feels sick to his stomach.

“Let’s watch it again, shall we?”

“Turn it off.” He warns.

“No I think we should see it.” 

“Turn. It. Off.” He lunges forward trying to get the phone until the ticket lady interrupts him.

He sinks back into his seat. Fiona stands with the higher ground and smiles at him. She walks off into the roomette direction and he has to take deep breaths to calm down. 

You find Alice after the call, slightly relieved to see her. 

“Everything okay?”

“Um, I hope so. Am I a bad person?”

“You’re asking the shoplifter if you’re a bad person?”

“I just feel so overwhelmed by everything right now.”

“Well, go back home then.”

You frown. “I can’t just leave Billy.”

“How come?”

“He...needs me.”

“Do you even know him? In and out? After all these years? Me and Billy have been working together for years.”

“What?” Your eyes searched her for any signs of a lie.

“You’re just too trusting. It's sad, really.” 

“Excuse me?”

“Give me the money.”

“No.”

“See, if you deny me that money, I don’t think you’d like this being sent out to your mother now would you?” She brings her phone out and plays a voice memo. Your eyes widen as you recognize the moans and Billy’s voice. 

“Stop!” You reach for the phone but she’s quicker. 

“I was in your hotel last night, and now that I know about your kid, mmm you can do the math.”

_This bitch._ “You were my friend!”

“Listen if it’s any consolation, you were a joy to hang around with. Now, the money.”

You hesitate but reach behind you to grab the bag. You pass it to her as she unzips it to make sure everything is there. “Billy won’t ever be honest with you. Don’t forget it.” 

With that, she walks off. Billy reaches you moments later. 

“I was wrong.” You stand. “About everything.” 

“I need to tell you something.”

"I know."

“Fiona, Alice whatever the feck she’s going by, she’s following me and s he used to work for me, and she’s pissed I ended the tour.”

“I know.” 

"Oh." He said.

“Is that all?”

“No...before I walked off, I called everybody a bunch of cunts and everybody turned on me and now I’m being branded a murderer.”

“I think I have you beat, I might’ve given her the money.”

“No!”

“Listen!”

“Why would you do that?!”

“We’re getting that bag back! Let’s go.” 

You drag him out and you two run between cars trying to find her. After accidentally tripping an elderly person, you silently pray you don’t go to hell for that and take hold of Billy’s wrist to have him catch up with your fast legs. 

You two finally find her at the end of the train car, but before you two can even breathe in her direction, she flips you off and jumps. You scream in shock and turn, Billy taking you into his arms and shushing you to calm you down. 

“We have to jump.” You whisper.

“Are you fecking crazy?” His eyes are wild. 

“You want the money right?” You grab hold of his hand, and with a squeeze you look at him. 

“I’m not jumping off of a moving train.” He shakes his head.

“We don’t have another option.” 

You both take a deep breath, stealing glances at each other, and hand in hand, you both jump.


End file.
